The Highway Code
*disclaimer: this post is not a how to on how to attain a license legally or otherwise. If you are looking for such you should be ashamed that you had to scour the internet to find that info. Just go to your nearest Vehicle Inspection Department branch & offer to buy the guy conducting tests some lunch.
Let me set the scene for you. Your uncle came to visit. He's traveling back home to Harare & offers you a lift. The night before he got a little over zealous & downed 3 whole bottles of Zed. (The dirt cheap vodka you introduced him to the night before made from fermenting leftovers & demon piss). So before you even set off he hands you the keys & asks you to drive before dashing into the house to throw up everything his body hasn't fully digested.
You pull out your $2 Goochi Aviators & put on your best Horatio Caine impression. "Let's rock & roll" you declare in a raspy voice. Sadly there is no camera pan & zoom in shots. Nor does The Who's music start playing spontaneously.
You set off. All is well. Hands at the 10 & 2 o'clock position. Observing the speed limit. Then Killer T starts playing on the radio & your foot becomes heavier. Sometime in between shouting "Tirikumhanya" & letting your finger pistols fire your speed increases ever so slightly over the speed limit. From nowhere a policeman in a reflective jacket cartwheels onto the highway & directs you to pull over with a smug smile on his face.
I don't know if this is in the police handbook, but why do they always start off the milking process with "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Surely he already knows the answer. Is this a trick question where if I guess the magic number he'll apologize & let me go free?"
Obviously the response was;
“I don't know officer. The speedometer stopped working earlier because I wouldn't drive above the limit."
"Well sir. You were doing 140 in a 120 zone. That'll be $20"
Shocked & dumbfounded you throw yourself at the mercy of Officer Magaro but he isn't biting. Your uncle is slipping in & out of consciousness & the "I was rushing because he's in labour” trick falls flat.
Long story short. 3 hours of begging & ass kissing later you are off the hook but you still had to fork out $5. For someone like me, $5 is tantamount to slicing off a toe.
If dolling out cash to officers of questionable moral standing has you waking up in cold sweats constantly, I have the solution.
It's simply called The Highway Code. I can't claim to have invented it. This is an industry inside secret. Mastered & perfected by Kombi & bus drivers who spend more time avoiding speed traps & pop up roadblocks than they do actually ensuring we get to our destination. Using my experience gained from several years of "eating the window" as they say. I can now share this information with you.
The irony of all this is I hate Kombi drivers with every fibre of my being. They drive like motherless drug fiends who earned their stripes by gaining high scores in Crazy Taxi. But on the highway, that all falls to the wayside as we unite against a common enemy - The highway patrol. Nothing will ruin your day faster than seeing those smug faced officers demanding cash you don't have while their pimped out BMW 335s are parked roadside reminding you that the slow car you are contemplating a getaway with won't make it into 3rd gear before they get to live out their highway takedown fantasies on you.
I've used this technique for years. It’s saved me a lot of money & it will work for you. But only if we unite. Simunye! Ubuntu! Tiripamwechete! & all that jazz.
It's simple. If I'm driving somewhere & I see a car approaching from the other direction I'll flash my headlights once. If you notice that do not ignore me (yes white people & people driving cars more valuable than my entire existence. I'm talking you). Simply flash once if there are no police ahead & flash several times if they are. If your headlights are out or you are conserving ZESA. Simply flash your hazards.
Kombi drivers also use a series of hand signals to alert each other (open hand for all clear, waving hand for trouble ahead). But I know the majority of you will be too busy using your other hand to tweet or playing Flappy Bird while you drive to do that.
It’s very simple but very effective. Please don't be that douche that drives on while I'm sending Morse code to try get your attention.
Also, if the contents of this post is somehow illegal, I didn't write it. It's all jokes. I swear. Unless it works then it's not. But if it’s illegal. I swear it's jokes. I love our law makers & law enforces.
2 Broke Twimbos & its founders do not support any forms of illegal or negligent driving