Unhappy Holidays: 10 Steps to Survive A Holiday Broke
It was early December: the infectious holiday spirit had finally penetrated my defenses like a yellow-bone to a rich married man's wallet. You see, I was expecting it to be a standard December, abject poverty & misery while my peers around me lived the lavish life that I had read about in Mills & Boon books. But this time was different.
Through strict saving and ascetic living, I had managed to save myself a substantial amount to splurge during "Silly Season". I was so excited, and I fully intended to spend the entire $23.50 on myself & live the life Puff Daddy raps about in his songs. I thought I told y'all we won't stop!
Unfortunately, in an incriminating Twitter post, I revealed my extreme financial liquidity to my landlady who was secretly following me using the untraceable Twitter account @DansLandlady . My savings were taken away from me and just like that, the holiday period would be nothing more than another chapter in the riveting novel entitled "How did Dan manage to survive another day?"
I've often thought that an excellent concept for a horror movie would be brokeness during a holiday period. Think about it, everyone's around, everyone's inviting you places, everyone's doing something... The terror of the possibility of not being able to participate in the festivities has got to be ranked high up there along with the fear of death, public speaking and taking off your shoes in public.
Having found myself in this position, I knew I would have to take drastic steps to survive up until mid-January. And you all have the grand privilege of being privy to my methods of avoiding shame, embarrassment, bankruptcy and/or death. Herewith, Dan's 10 step plan to surviving a broke holiday period:
10 Steps to Surviving The Holidays Broke
- Appear busy - People can believe you when you turn down invitations
Simple ways to achieve this: change your Whatsapp status to "Busy" or better yet "Don't call on Whatsapp unless very urgent". You could also be "rushing" every time you're seen, and always respond to "How are you" with "Tired".
- If you do go out anywhere, get a plastic cup for your drink. Refill with water. Tap water.
- Select a 2 week period during which you will go dark - no digital presence whatsoever. You may announce on your Facebook & Twitter beforehand that you will be going on holiday, but unless your Photoshop skills are as good as David Zinyama's then do not post any pictures to your social media. Nor are you to post anything at all. No answering calls or messages. Imagine how much you'll save??
4. Lock yourself in the bathroom when people try visit.
Remember to wait a few minutes after the knocking stops because some guests are very clever. Also, for goodness' sake put your damn phone on silent.
5. Rack up "you should buy me a drink" requests from returning diasporans. This can be done on social media outside the 2 week period mentioned in point 3. above. A very effective method of getting free drinks in nice places
6. Avoid at all costs paying the entrance fees to venues in which nice things are happening. Discover the holes in the fence, service access doors, fire escapes/pipes to climb for said venues. Learn the names of the bouncers, the names of their wives and children. Do whatever you have to.
7. It's a good time to visit family and friends at strategic (meal) times.
8. Suddenly become a teetotaler and get on an impossible diet. (A good one is a gluten-free vegan). When this happens, you can easily turn down invitations to places that don't serve your preferred choice of food. Even when you are at the venue, chances are high they will not have what you can allegedly safely eat, ergo no one expects you to buy anything. $$$
9. Get a fictional girlfriend out of town. Since ancient Greece and Sumerian times, no one has ever been able to come up with a good response to counter "Sorry guys, can't make it. I've got a Skype date later"
10. Die. Last gasp scenario (if you'll excuse the pun)
This is how Dan survived the holiday period. I suggest you bookmark this post to prepare for the April holiday weekend coming up. You're welcome.