The Water Struggle Part 1 - That Flushing Feeling
Welcome back one & all (essentially the 7 people that regularly check this site)
So today I'm back with another highly intellectual think piece on the struggles my esteemed struggle champion Dan & I endure. The Water Struggle.
If you are Zimbabwean you are no stranger to these at all. In Harare & Bulawayo water actually costs more than alcohol in the club. A double sparkling water & ice could easily disrupt your whole monthly budget. Now how are you supposed to pay for $1 annual allocation of airtime?
We often see grown adults chasing after water trucks the way we would run down ice cream men as kids to get a taste of their Nutty Squirrels before realizing we didn't have enough money & running away just as fast.
The situation is quite serious & is one of Zimbabwe's great equalizers. I take solace in knowing that while I'm struggling to bath out of a large cup to conserve the little water we have, somewhere in the posh suburbs, someone with a car made in Germany, living in a mansion with more rooms than my actual bank balance, is hunched over a bucket enjoying the same struggles as me.
I've not always been used to this. Growing up water was in abundance. It was so cheap & easy to get water, my father banned us from closing the taps, lest the municipality deem that we weren't utilizing our water supply & give it to our neighbours, who were always complaining about theirs for some odd reason.
Then one day as I was visiting my rich uncle with the Mazda 323 & I got a little excited at breakfast. He introduced me to this new thing called “muesli”(pronounced moo-weziri). At first I thought it was bird feed but he assured me it was for human consumption. Up until this point all I had eaten was porridge & leftovers (read as chewed bones) for breakfast.
So I gulped that muesli down. Oh it was good. Until later.... All of a sudden my butt turned into a nuclear waste facility & I was emitting more putrid gas than a ZUPCO bus. I dashed off to the bathroom & proceeded to empty my bowels in a dignified & respectable manner. So dignified everyone decided to leave the house because they felt unworthy of my presence. 2 hours later I was done. I lit a match, & stood up to do the mandatory "inspection" before flushing.
I turned the lever & was not met by the satisfying noise of water emptying the tank. Instead it was an echoed clink.... I turned the lever again several times as if this would somehow help. There was no water! I checked all the faucets.... All they let out were a few pathetic coughs & hisses. I was trapped! What could I do? How could I overcome this situation?
My options were limited so I did the only thing I could. I started a fire & jumped out the window.
I know I'm not alone. Many of our readers have experienced this issue before. When faced with such a dilemma what can you do? Fear not we are here to help. Here are some techniques that we have drawn up with the assistance of the only person at ZINWA still pitching up to work, the security guard Tobias.
The Toilet Paper Technique
This is the most expensive, yet most effective solution to ward off any embarrassing "who just used the toilet" conversations.
What you do is use as much toilet paper available & stuff the bowl. A pooper buffer if you will. Create a thick wall of 1 ply (if you are using 2 ply you can clearly afford a borehole you rich bastard). You want as much material between your deposit & the atmosphere. This works very well unless you are the only person in the house. If you live alone you are just punishing yourself. It also falls short if the next person to use the bathroom doesn't have a digestive system that works with the same proficiency as yours.
It Wasn’t Me Mantra
Option 2 is the “It wasn't me mantra”. Mastered & brought into the mainstream by my life coach Shaggy, this technique works very well unless there are witnesses placing you at the scene of the pile
Run Away & Never Return
The last option, which is similar to the technique I adopted is the "Witness Protection Program" method. This is where you hastily leave the scene of the crime. Change your name & have John Travolta conduct a facial transplant with the girl from the tuck shop down the street. That way you can avoid the embarrassing blowback from your blowout.
I hope these hints were helpful. Next week we continue our in depth look at the Water Struggle & investigate ways to ensure that half a container of water can last well over a month.